Random Bits 13
by Nashiil
Summary: Final Chapter is up! Auron is about to find out that even the casual, innocent wish can be a real bugger.
1. Chapter 1

Yay, I posted!!!! Thanks to everyone for being so patient. I really appreciate it. Hopefully this one was worth the wait. Join the fun, just don't eat the food. Enjoy Random Bits 13!

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Title: Random Bits 13- Chapter 1

Setting: Noon. A serious case of boredom leaves Tidus and his companions longing for a change of scenery. Zanarkand is now a popular tourist attraction, and seems like a good place to get into some long overdue adventures.

**Zanarkand Ruins - **Hall of Trials- After surviving the various tourists' traps (overpriced, cheaply made souvenirs, corny guided tours, and heartburn and explosive diarrhea inducing food) our heroes are playfully reliving the Trials.

"Are you sure you should be playing with the floor like that?" Lulu cautioned, as her younger companions (mentally younger in Wakka's case) played with the tiles in the puzzle room.

"Aw Lu! That's what its for. It's just a game now." the former Arochs captain said dismissively, as they matched the suspiciously tetris-like shapes.

"Fine. Play with the floor, but don't come screaming to me when you release another-." the Black Mage began. It was a total waste of breath.

Lulu had forgotten that teens possess the irritating mentality that they know everything, even the future, and do exactly what you tell them not to. They also gave her those same gape jawed expressions of shock when what she just told them was going to happen happened (like it was a huge surprise and no one could have ever seen it coming).Tidus, Yuna, Rikku, and Wakka scurried together with a unified cry of "Spectral Keeper!!!!" as the puzzle was solved and a mass of pyre-flies formed in the center of the floor. The four culprits attempted to hide behind one another as they were hit with a double shot of the evils from Auron and Lulu. They clearly said that if they got out this one alive things were going to go very hard for them.

Weapons drawn the warriors huddled around their Summoner and faced the threat as it coalesced into the familiar, terrifying shape of…Jecht. The former Sin found himself facing not the usual group of tourists, but one blood relative, three friends and three others. They were all holding various weapons in a threatening manner.

"Uh, hi?" Jecht ventured.

"Dad?!

"Sir Jecht. What are you doing here?" asked Yuna, both relieved and pleased to see her old acquaintance.

"Yeah," Auron said dryly as the group relaxed, their flight or fight reflexes winding down. "What _are_ you doing here?"

"Oh. Well, you know." replied the scruffy man, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. "The Farplane was getting a little boring, what with it being full of just a bunch of stiffs, and the Spectral Keeper didn't really feel like entertaining tourists, so I thought I'd take a part time job on the side. The pay is good and besides, I'm Sin! What's scarier than that?"

Zanarkand's forgotten Abes' star's monologue was interrupted as three elderly men entered the room accompanied by wheezes, pops, and various suspicious smells. They shuffled to a halt several yards way and glared at him appraisingly. Jecht shifted nervously.

"Is _that_ the Boss?" croaked the tallest. The old man squinted and thrust his thumbs into the belt of his over-sized, threadbare robe. If there had been a breeze he could have easily been mistaken for a starving scarecrow.

"Looks to be." mumbled the second one, who had a hump like a camel and two canes. He panted a little as he joined Old Man #1, his sagging stomach swinging dangerously as he thrust out his two canes then let his bowed legs catch up. " A shame that."

"What?" shouted Old Man # 3, holding a withered hand up to a hair clogged ear. Jecht and his companions watched in morbid fascination as the skin on his arm slipped down to dangle around his elbow. The skin around his neck and ankles appeared to have the same idea.

"I said, '**A shame**'!" Old Man #2 shouted, trying to he heard over the constant whistled that was emitted from Old Man #3's nostrils.

"What?"

"Hah!" Old Man #2 responded, leaving his companions and limping up to the startled Jecht. It was a complicated process involving swinging his spindly arms out until the canes contacted a solid surface, then throwing his legs out at various angles to get the stomach swaying for stability. The rest was just waiting for the body to catch up with the arms. "You call that a Boss?" he snorted, jeopardizing his balance by waving a cane through Jecht.

"Look at that, no substance! Now back in my day we had proper Bosses. Great big monsters with three heads and long tails with spikes on. And they were much more vicious too. They wouldn't just wait their turn to snap at you, no sir. There was none of this turn-based business back then. Proper Bosses. That's what we had. Always knew where you stood with Proper Bosses."

"Yeah." agreed Old Man #1 shakily adjusting his voluminous robe with righteous indignation. "Let's go. I feel like a nap." Old Man #3, mostly silent on account of being nearly deaf as a post and nearly unable to hear over the sound of his own whistling, mumbled something about mashed apples and coffee. In a symphony of disturbing pops, grunts and rumbles, the ancients shambled towards the Fayth's Room.

There was a brief silence as confusion swirled around the Guardians and Summoner for a moment before dissipating.

"So," Jecht continued, unsure of where the conversation had ended. " What brings you guys all the way out to Zanarkand? Oh, by the way," Braska's Final Summon said reaching behind himself, "Here's your boot Auron." There was a muffled 'pop' and the man's hand reappeared with Auron's boot. Jecht tossed it to his former travel companion, who was on the edge of becoming his former friend, with a reproachful scowl.

As Auron wordlessly tucked his boot away there was a sudden epidemic of bronchial irritation around him.

"Its where you've always wanted to put it, eh?" Lulu chuckled.

"Ewww! **Gross**!"

"Sir Auron!"

The Unsent monk shrugged and said the only thing that came to mind.

"I hope you washed it." This brought on a bout of exaggerated gagging from Rikku, snuffles of laughter from the others, and admonishment from Yuna. He ignored all of it.

"Here's you spawn…I mean son." grumbled Auron, giving Tidus an encouraging shove towards his father. They both stood there in awkward silence, executing their signature nervous reactions.

"You getting enough to eat?"

"Yep."

"Only you're a little skinny."

"No. I'm fine…Er…Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Um…..I hate you."

"I hate you too, son."

Wakka turned a bemused look on Auron. The retarded dust bunny in his mind thoughtfully scratched an ear. "That's just their way of showing affection." the older man replied.

"What, like a female hexabug biting off her mate's head?"

"Looks that way."

"Well, see ya dad. We're going to check out the Fayth's Room." Tidus said cheerfully, with a backwards wave.

"Yeah. Later son." Jecht and Auron watched as Youth followed the recently departed Age into the next room. As they exited the door stuck and allowed the following to be heard.

"Hey, you! Put some clothes on! This is a holy place."

"Young people these days," this was said in a moist tone of utter disgust (probably because of a lack of dentures). "Running' around in the nuddy. Its disgraceful!"

"Disgraceful!" agreed the first voice.

"What?" said the confused voice of Old Man #3, "I say! Did you know that there's a nearly naked woman up there! I can see her knees!"

"Hey! Everyone can see yer knickers!" Old Man #2 shouted.

"Wait a minute," interjected Old Man #1, who had slightly better eyesight than the other two. "That's not Yunalesca. That's not even a woman! It's just a young man in women's undergarments standing on a _fake_ medusa head."

"By Yevon you're right!" hacked Old Man #3, "Its all burlap and saw dust. You can even see the stitching.

"We had better stitching in my day. Look, its already beginning to go at the seams." mumbled Old Man #2, in superior tones as he prodded a burlap tentacle with a cane.

"Please don't poke me!" the man in the costume whined, "I don't get paid enough. All I do is say my lines, wave my arms menacingly and scare the tourists into the next room. Every one screams and there's laughs all around. I don't do any actual fighting. Hey, Lady Yuna! Good to see you!" the underpaid peon in the suit said as Yuna led her group up the last few steps.

"Issaru?!" Yuna blurted, covering her eyes. She was seeing more of her fellow Summoner than she had ever wanted to see.

"Those knockers don't even look real." Tidus snorted in professional tones. "One of them is bigger than the other and both of them are sagging."

Back in the Hall of Trials, Jecht shook his head with a lopsided grin. It was unclear as to why he was grinning. He looked apologetic, but Auron had the suspicion that Jecht was proud of his little spawn.

"Kids. You should have seen him when he was little. He was so cute. Yuna was just down right adorable." he sighed after a few moments of nostalgic silence. " I wish I could turn back time and make them all toddlers again!"

It was a completely innocent sentence, but it caused Auron's hackles to rise in dread. The icy finger of Death run up the spine couldn't have caused his flesh to prickle more. As it was, it felt like each hair was desperately trying to make a jump for safety. Auron shut his eyes.

It was that very second, the words dancing mockingly in the air, that something happened. It was a total freak accident of cosmic proportions. The final planet in the eternal waltz to the universe spun into alignment. From a cosmic point of view it was an impressive arrangement of massive celestial bodies floating silently in the vacuum of space. From the ground, it just looked like a bunch of stars that happened to form an odd constellation. Parents with small children quickly covered their offspring's eyes. People, on principle, love to point out constellations to their kids. But this was not what was referred to as a 'child-friendly' constellation. It formed the image of a giant hand making a humorously obscene gesture. This constellation was a constellation that pointed at _you._

The temple trembled slightly and there was a quiet _pop_!. Both men locked gazes and shouted in unison "The kids!" before legging it to the door.

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Don't forget your cheaply made souvenier before you go! Only 50gil and you can go home with a genuine Yunalesca tentacle! No? How 'bout a SinScale? Fresh off the fiend! So fresh it still has some hide on it! 


	2. Chapter 2

So, here's chapter 2. The inspiration for this one came from the kids I work with, even the speech impedement. One of their favorite games was 'Nail Jesus to the Cross'. No joke! I don't know where this one is going, but I hope it doesn't disappoint. I was well into chapter 3 before I realized that Jecht's personality was off. I hope its not too bad, but now I have to completely change chapter 3(coming soon!)

sad Nashiil

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Title: Random Bits 13- Chapter 2

Setting: A serious case of boredom leaves Tidus and his companions longing for a change of scenery. Zanarkand is now a popular tourist attraction, and seems like a good place to get into some long overdue adventures.

**Zanarkand Ruins - **Chamber of the Fayth- One Unsent Guardian and one former Sin have just entered the room at a run, and have come to a sudden dead stop due to the six toddlers that have attached themselves to their legs.

"Aren't they just _adorable_?!" Jecht exclaimed, while twisting with delight.

"I swear, Jecht," Auron snarled, fuming like a burning landfill, "Every time you open your mouth, you cause trouble!" His one eye burned with enough anger to cause a few dust motes unlucky enough cross in front of him to burst into flame.

"Awww, it's not so bad." the unkempt man replied happily, "Whooose a goo' boy? Come to Daddy!" This he said to Tidus (approximately age 3, slightly pudgy, and a little pigeon-toed) as he hoisted him onto the air.

Kimahri, seeing Tidus being held, decided that he wanted to be picked up too. Auron barely kept himself from wildly kicking his leg as the little Ronso started climbing. An intense desire to keep certain extremities intact caused his brain to send desperate signals to his hands. Despite being in extreme 'man pain'(Lit. pain only a man can experience) ,one of Auron's hands moved from the guarding position and quickly plucked Kimahri's tiny claws out of his thigh. Kimahri was then held at arm's length, just to be safe.

"No." he said sternly, wondering how one communicated with children. The extent of his experience stretched only as far as "That's nice. Where's your mum? Here's a cookie, go away." The best he could come up with was "Bad. Bad kitty."

Jecht had missed the entire episode. He had been too busy playing with his little Spawn. _Some friend you are._ Auron thought acidly. "So, now what do we do?" he asked, mentally gagging as Jecht cooed to Tidus. "Dat's a goo' boy. Whooose Daddy's widdle man?" He shrugged at Auron's question and suddenly turned and held Tidus out to him.

"Don't know. Mind watching him for a while? I gotta go back to work!"

"Oh no you don't!" Auron snapped, putting his hands behind his back. "You're not leaving me here with all these little…ones." he waved a hand at the toddlers milling around the room.

"It's just for a little while." Jecht said with irritating cheer.

Auron turned a piercing glare on him and said " ---- no."

" ---- no!" chorused six little voices.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as Jecht and Auron regarded each other over the tops of the kinderguardians' heads. "My bad." Auron said.

"I guess I could leave early today." Braska's Final Summon sighed grudgingly, "Yevon's supposed to be coming in in five. He can work the rest of my shift."

"Huwy Awin!" Rikku squealed urgently as Auron ripped down one of the many flagged lengths of twine that decoratively criss-crossed the Corridor, while Jecht played look-out. He ignored the urgently beckoning hands as he roped the toddlers together and avoided the horrified expressions from other tourists.

"Okay, good job. The wall will stay up by itself now." he grunted, tugging the children away from the wall. It took nearly fifteen minutes to make it through the Corridor. It wasn't because of the countless tourists, but because the kids got distracted by _everything_. Most of the time Jecht had to stop because one or all of them would stop and stare at something or try to walk off in what ever direction their eyes happened to be facing. This was usually ninety degrees to the direction their bodies were walking in. They also walked slow. Their little legs just couldn't match an adult's ground eating stride. Several times, Jecht noticed the dirty looks he was getting and looked down the line to see that he had been dragging the kiddies along. Even though Auron tried walking at the end of the line, there was no getting them to move any faster.

Auron did his best to prod his charges along, but it was difficult. Wakka kept stopping to pick up half-eaten tourist fare(hot dogs, popped grains, corn dogs, and funnel cakes). He seemed oblivious to the soil crust and happily chewed away, even offering to share with the rest of his friends.

The Warrior Monk faced an agonizing moment of trying to wrestle a discarded hot dog away from the pudgy Guardian, who judging by the _two_ fat wrinkles on each wrist, knee, and ankle, could have done without the snack. He ended up lifting the toddler into the air and turning him upside down, then shaking him while yelling "Spit it out! Spit it out!" It was the worst display of CPR ignorance ever. It drew a concerned crowd of mostly women. The few men that showed up were just there for the show.

Jecht hit the end of his rope and turned to see what was impeding his forward motion this time. He saw Auron and wiped a hand down his face in mortified frustration. "Quit playing around!" he snapped and tugged on the rope. "Geeze! What's wrong with you? You can't just hang him upside down. Don't you know anything about kids?"

"Obviously more than you, seeing as how your own son hates you."

"You'll have to excuse him," said the former Sin, addressing the crowd. "He's never had kids before, so its all a little new to him." This simple, ill-phrased statement earned the two men a multitude of strange stares.

"You shouldn't leave your children in the hands of someone who doesn't know how to care for them properly." an old woman chided.

"My _children_?" Jecht stammered as the crowd's gaze fell on Kimahri. "They …"

Auron grinned maniacally into his collar and blurted, "… all have different mothers."

"What?! Shut up, man!"

"He doesn't believe in monogamy and holds no prejudice when it comes to race…or species." Auron continued, as the crowd exchanged covert glances and intense whispers. Jecht gave Auron a baleful scowl.

"As his partner, you should share in the responsibility." the old woman admonished sternly.

Both men experienced momentary full system neural shutdown, Jecht laughing heartily until the full meaning of the statement hit him. They stood staring at the decrepit woman, completely blown away and lost in the Ocean of Public Humiliation. They were saved by an Angel of Mercy in the form of Yuna. The little girl tugged on Jecht's arm and quietly mumbled that she was hungry.

"Oh, well lets get you all something to eat!" Auron shouted in embarrassed relief, quickly shoving Jecht along in front of him, the children orbiting them like ravenous mosquitoes.

As soon as the children were all safely eating picnic-style off to one side of the food booths in the Dome (which was now pulling duty as a souvenir/food vendor/historical theater building), Auron motioned Jecht around a corner where, the ex-warrior monk throttled him.

It was wonderful stress relief, until Yuna and Lulu, having finished their corn dogs, wandered around the corner. "Awin, why are you hurting Uncle Jecht?" Yuna quavered, her big eyes filling with tears.

Awin…I mean, Auron, quickly let go of Jecht's neck and put a companionable arm around his shoulders. "Don't cry, " he said hastily "I'm not _hurting_ Uncle Jecht. I'm just _hugging_ him." The Legendary Guardian smiled hugely and roughly slapped the Final Summon on the back. "Right, Uncle Jecht?"

"Uh, yeah, that's right darlin'. He's just hugging me because we're buddies. See?" Jecht agreed quickly, patting Yuna on the head. "You want another corn dog? Here, give this gil to the nice man over there." he said producing some gil from a tattered pocket. "Here's some for you too." he said dropping some coins into Lulu's small hand. The tiny Mage gave both of them a calculating look that was far to intelligent for a child, then followed Yuna to the food booth.

"I don't like that one," Jecht whispered to Auron "She's too smart for her own good." Across the path, Lulu turned her large ruby eyes on Jecht and gave him a penetrating glare. Jecht looked at Auron and said "That's just creepy."

"If you think it's creepy now, just wait until she does that as an adult." Auron said in a foreboding tone.

After all the children were full and happy, it was time to find a place to spend the night. Hotels had spontaneously generated practically overnight. Where ever there were masses of people, there were hotels. There were scores of them lining the road to Zanarkand, all of them impressive looking, some of them expensive, and all of them had some kind of sign or slogan outside the door. Some read "Complimentary Breakfast!", "Special Rates!" , "Clean Bathrooms!"(which is quite an accomplishment when most Inns only had one bathroom), and all of them claimed to be "The Cheapest Place Around!" Auron used his Legendary status to secure what was basically a luxury apartment. Of course he did have to pay a 500gil pet deposit since the owner could not be convinced that Kimahri was a Ronso, not a kitty.

There was an hour wait while the staff rushed to get the rooms ready. Fortunately, the hour was an…entertaining one. The happy family was waiting in the yard in front of the hotel, when Auron and Jecht discovered that Tidus was incapable of pronouncing 'c' and 'k' sounds. This unfortunate impediment was brought to their attention when, upon spying a box of free kittens, Tidus pointed and screamed happily "Titties!", then bolted across the street before Jecht or Auron could stop him.

As if the situation wasn't bad enough, the gods of Fate had decided to have a good laugh and threw a crowd of women into the joke. Tidus, happily chanting "Titties, titties, titties!", pushed his way through the crowd of females that were cooing over the kittens.

He turned to the nearest woman while happily beaming and said "Titties! Lookit, titties!" Stunned, the women smiled wanly. Thoughts of "Poor child. He must have terrible parents." and "What kind of person says things like that in front of their child?" hung in the air.

Jecht looked helplessly at Auron. "What?" the older man replied. " Don't look at me. He's your little Boo-Boo." then, when Jecht continued to stand there, shuffling his feet, Auron prompted with a smirk "Well, go get him."

Grinning nervously, Jecht plucked up his courage and swaggered off to retrieve his child. He was already planning how the conversation would go (ending with him getting lots of attention for his adorable son, and maybe get some flirting done), when Tidus saw him coming and squealed, while pointing "Daddy, titties! I want one."

The women glared at Jecht accusingly as the embarrassed man scooped up the toddler while muttering excuses. He laughed uncomfortably as Tidus continued to point to the kitties and demand that Jecht get him one. The women muttered darkly among themselves. Jecht heard "Disgraceful!", "Horrible!", and "Some one should call CPS!" whispered several times as he made his escape.

Bedtime holds its own special kind of horror when you add children. Most adults can come home after a long day of fighting bloodthirsty fiends, working their fingers to the bone, or bowing and scraping in the face of royalty and go through their nightly routine. This means kicking off their shoes, tossing their pants (or skirt. Lets not discriminate) on the floor, eat a bag of chips, and go fall asleep watching t.v.

Add kids to the equation and it's a whole other solution to which there is no solution (eeww. Bad chemistry joke). Not only are junk food dinners out of the question, but now the adult has to deal with three possible bedtime scenarios; 1) child goes to be with little to no fuss, 2) child goes to bed only when he/she passes out from exhaustion, and 3) child doesn't sleep…period. Then there's all the post bedtime annoyances like child not staying in bed, late night glasses of water, _one_ more bedtime story, wet sheets (a direct result of the glass of water), and multiple 'fiend checks'.

After all that the kid finally goes to sleep and the parent gets a decent night's sleep right? Wrong! Because children don't _stay_ asleep. Vacuum cleaners, loud conversations, and the t.v. may put them to sleep, but whispers, noises audible only to dogs, and sometimes just your presence will wake them up. Many a parent has peeked into the room to check on Jr. and found this to be true. And to a tired adult few sights in the universe hold as much dread as seeing that little head rise off the pillow. Then to top it all off, they _choose_ to get up at the crack of dawn.

Jecht and Auron experienced all these phenomena in one night. They also made the important, yet disappointing discovery that children are immune to Sleep. That didn't stop them from trying though. Thus the night passed…

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Have a cookie. They're low-carb and Pinface's favorite. Go ahead, try one. No? Come on. You don't want to hurt her feelings _do_ you? 


	3. Chapter 3

Well, here's chapter3! I tried to focus on Auron's discomfort and lack of knowledge with children, not that Jecht was father of the year. I hope its better than chapter 2 anyway. Happy reading!

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Title: Random Bits 13- Chapter 3 

Setting: A serious case of boredom leaves Tidus and his companions longing for a change of scenery. Zanarkand is now a popular tourist attraction, and seems like a good place to get into some long overdue adventures.

**Zanarkand Ruins - **A Hotel- Wee hours of the morning.

Let's take a look at Zanarkand as the pre dawn light signals the inevitability of a new day. The still developing metropolis can easily draw one back 1000 years to its days of glory (if you ignore the crowd of hastily erected hotels, vending stalls, and souvenir shops designed to draw in tourists eager to see the place where a young Summoner and her Guardians changed history). While you observe the small city, note the man in the red coat sprinting from one of the hotels. He quickly heads towards the historical marker that has something written about some Summoner and her Guardians spending the night at this very spot before some critical battle, or something.

Ahh! The historical marker. They are ingeniously designed to attract adults, thus slowing the progress on long trips to somewhere fun. They are cunningly placed every couple of miles, directing attention down long dirt roads to 'The Place Where John Frickle Bit a Bear in 1803." These devices also include a huge plaque filled with writing that can't be read from the car window, so you have to stop and get out to see what they say. In short their main purposes are to hinder road trips and torture children with full bladders.

Auron easily jumped the velvet ropes designed to keep the tourists from disturbing the ground where heroic posteriors once camped, and headed for the small outcropping where no one terribly important had once stood. Reaching the top he drew a deep breath and shouted,

"**I wish this had never happened**!" he stood motionless for a moment, waiting expectantly, then shook a fist a the sky and growled,

"**What did I ever do to you**?!"

Auron spun on his heel and stumped back through the campsite while the echoes bounced around the city. He paused and rearranged some of the charred remains from the campfire before heading back towards the hotel. Hours later a priest from the New Zanarkand Temple would discover that the symbol of Utter Doom had appeared in the sacred campfire and spend the next three days locked in a chamber with six of his senior brethren, fervently performing the rites for Diverting Utter Doom.

Thoughts turned inward, Auron was totally unprepared for what lay in wait of him as he entered the room and shuffled into the kitchen. Surprise leapt from under the table and ran at him screaming and babbling, leaving Jecht wearing a frilly apron and waving a spatula in its wake.

"It didn't work I see." the man said, conversationally, flipping a pancake over.

"Take that off." Auron commanded calmly, "I don't ever want you to wear that in my presence again."

Jecht grinned in amusement and smoothed down the apron, then said,

"But Rikku said it looked gorgeous on me." He added a twirl and an upward kick of his heel to the amusement of the children. Auron experienced a shudder of revolt that came all the way from the Visceral Level.

"Lighten up! I'm just entertaining them." Jecht snorted, setting down a huge plate of pancakes. "You always took things too seriously. Even Braska said so."

Auron 'harumped' and decide against replying. Some words weren't fit for children's ears.

Leaning against the wall Auron watched the kids eat. It was an incredibly messy affair and he wondered how they survived seeing as how most of the time they completely missed their mouths. Lulu and Yuna both made attempts to eat like young ladies should, while Rikku used her fork to spear as many pieces as possible. Tidus, who was eating Chocob-O's spilled most of the milk down his chin and picked the pieces out of the bowl with his fingers.

"More Totob-O's!" he called, having managed to filter most of the cereal out of the milk. Auron turned his attention to Wakka, who's technique was to spear the entire pancake then slowly draw it in like a brush shredder.

Kimahri wasn't eating at all. He was sulking, arms crossed and tail twitching. He wanted _meat_.

The overall impression was of a plague of locusts descending on a field. Nothing was too small to eat and nothing was left behind. What one didn't eat someone else did. Wakka and Rikku even licked the last rivulets of syrup from their plates and Kimahri broke down and lapped up the milk from Tidus' bowl.

Auron was jolted from his musings when he hear Jecht say,

"You stay with Uncle Auron. I have to go to work."  
"What! You can't leave! We need to figure out how to get them back to normal." Auron babbled, bobbing around after Jecht as the former Sin ushered the kids into the main room. "Nothing was decided because you were 'just too tired to think'. You'll just keep putting it off."

"Hey, you know my motto. Never do today what you can put off for tomorrow!"

Auron turned his burning gaze on him

"Fine. I'll get off early today. Alright? Just entertain them until I get back. Its easy!" he said hastily as Auron balked at the idea of being left alone with six toddlers.

"Have lunch ready for me when I get back darlin'!" Jecht snickered, then scrambled out the door. Auron snarled, hot on his heels and threw a cup (It was wooden, because this is Spira) at him.

"Dis too." Rikku pleaded, holding out a pink straw hat with wax cherries sewn on it. Auron looked at it and replied very firmly, "_No_." The little Al Bhed girl's face fell, visually telling him that her little heart would be broken if he didn't. He squirmed under the pressure.

"Please?" Yuna urged, coming to her cousin's aid.

"No?"

"Okay." Both girls replied in tiny voices, the quaver drawing Lulu's attention from where Tidus was helping her set her moogles and mogs around the coffee table. The older Guardian felt cold dread settle in his stomach as the little Mage offered him the hat next.

"No." Auron said without much conviction. The hat was withdrawn and Lulu gave him a hurt look. He looked at the three girls and their pleading eyes. They were ganging up on him. He was being wrapped around their little fingers and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All it had taken was one whimper and he had found himself attending their Tea Party. Now he needed the proper attire.

"Don't do it!" Wakka called desperately, from the depths of Fort Kitchentable where he and Kimahri were decked out in full battle armor. Most of it was too big and worn on the wrong body part and they rattled like dumpsters being thrown down a hill.

"The cookies aren't real!" he continued.

Auron looked back and forth between the reassuring safety of the Realm of Testosterone and the unexplored Kingdom of Estrogen.

"Pleeeaaase?" the three girls begged, tugging on his coat.

"Nnnnoooh alright."

"Yay!" the three X's exclaimed, as he kissed his 'Y'hood goodbye and put the hat on.

Utterly defeated and taken hostage by the enemy, Auron surveyed his captors. To his immediate right was Lulu's favorite doll. It was bleach white and had only a stitched on mouth to indicate the face. Oh yeah, and it was covered in pins of all sizes. It even had pins for eyes.

"That's Pinface." Tidus said from his left. He wasn't a prisoner, but had readily volunteered to play with the girls. He was even wearing one of Yuna's dresses, a white lacy bonnet, and gloves whose fingers dangled by three inches. Auron had already gotten a nice sphere shot of the youngster. Not because he was cute or anything. It was strictly for blackmail purposes.

"She lites her pins."

Auron smiled grimly and nibbled on a pretend cookie. It tasted awful, and was probably low-carb. He attempted to make polite conversation with Pinface, just to make Lulu happy, but the conversation was rather one-sided. And he had the feeling that Pinface didn't like him much. He looked at the clock, which read, as if to spite him, just eight-thirty aee em. Barely twenty five minutes after Jecht's departure.

That was only the beginning. After sipping imaginary tea, and listening to conversations about the imaginary cookies ruining their diets, the little X's and the rouge Y moved on to play Dwelling (Auron got to be the daddy). After that, all the kinderguardians decided to play Summoner and Fiends.

This was a surprisingly common game that most kids played. The problem was: Yuna was a _real_ Summoner. She Summoned all her Aeons at once and Auron found himself surrounded by infant summons. It was a zoo. All of them could easily be described as cute, adorable, or precious in some way. Who can't say puppy bellies, big-eyed lizards, long-legged foals, and baby plants aren't cute? The only exception was Valefor, because baby birds are just down right ugly.

The Aeon had the typical bird head that was all bulging eyes and giant mouth. The bald head was perched precariously on a thin, equally bald neck like a match stick. Auron thought it was the ugliest darn thing he'd ever seen. Even Anima was cute compared to Valefor. The kids on the other hand loved it.

It was fun for the first thirty minutes or so, then Auron found out that baby unicorns poop just like adult unicorns, baby dragons can't fly, and that puppies wreathed in hellfire chase kittens (and can set the carpet on fire just by piddling on it). Luckily, the Aeons were dismissed before they could cause too much damage, and the kids decided to play a different game.

When the girls decided to play Princess Wedding, the middle aged Monk found himself suddenly bereft of the boys. Not even Tidus wanted to play _that_ game, and had joined Kimahri and Wakka in playing Soldier.

The girls pulled out all their Rings, Bangles, ribbons, barrettes, clips and scrunchies, then giggling, fell upon the helpless Guardian. Lulu brought out her make-up (or War-paint, as Kimahri called it), and set to work. Auron found himself holding Lulu's doll and watching Yuna and Cait-Sith walk down the aisle (the hallway carpet laid down the middle of the living room).

Drowning in the sea of estrogen, Auron desperately sought dry land. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the first idea that drifted by.

"I've got an idea," the desperate Guardian said "Let's play a game." He turned to the doll beside him and said "You can play, too."

Jecht waved cheerfully to the lady behind the desk as he trotted through the lobby on the way to his room. He was late coming back, due to a brief stop for some ego boosting flirting, but was not at all concerned about what Auron might say, or do to him. Being dead kind of takes all the fear out of things like Consequences. And he didn't feel one bit guilty either. As he neared the door, he heard the screams of panic emanating from the other side of it.

He yanked the door open to find the room in chaos. Kids were running everywhere, screaming, and the room was littered with clothes and toys. There was no sign of his fellow Guardian.

"Uh…What's goin' on?" the frayed blitz ball star asked when there was a general break in the noise.

"Awin gone!" the girls howled in unison as Kimahri and Wakka attempted to comfort them.

"_Gone_!" Tidus quavered. "Awin! Awin!" he shouted running around the room in a panic before collapsing in a heap and crying.

"Come'on now," said Jecht, gathering up the distraught toddlers. "He can't be gone because his coat is still here." The man pointed to the familiar red garment that was hanging on the coat rack by the door. He looked a little closer and found that the rack had sprouted a pair of boots.

"I think you should look behind the coat rack again." he said encouragingly. As the toddlers pulled the coat away, it revealed a creature so unsetting it could only be described as 'amusingly appalling'. Jecht's immediate reaction was gut knotting laughter that sent him to his knees, where he enthusiastically pounded the floor.

The Legendary Guardian was dressed in several layers of clothing, all too small, and all of them dresses, or the parts of dresses that could be fit around him. There was even a tutu. Auron's hair was best described as beribboned, having more clips, bows, beads, and pins than an 80's glam rocker. His makeup was atrocious and obviously 'done' by Lulu. Mascara had started out around his eyes and went clear to his eyebrows where the pale purple eye shadow formed two mountain-like peaks on his forehead.

Auron's entire mouth was ringed in heavy purple lipstick and because no blush could be found, the girls had drawn two lopsided and badly positioned circles in the approximate area of his cheeks with bright red lipstick. The overall appearance was of a melting emo-transvestite.

"So," Jecht chuckled casually, when he could breathe again, "They made you play Princess."

The unholy mating of man and princess accessories drew himself up, and with dignity replied, "No we played Wedding. And I was a _queen_, not a princess."

"Well, if your Majesty doesn't mind too much, it's about time your subjects had lunch and a nap." Jecht teased with a mocking bow. "After you, Your Highness."

Auron regarded Jecht silently for a moment, then shrugged and with a queenly air, bade the girls to follow him. "Come, my princesses," he said in lofty tones while waving a hand in a fair imitation of royalty. "Let us retire to the kitchen, away from all these stinky men."

"Stinky men." Lulu repeated. Auron straightened his 'dress' and swept into the kitchen, the little princesses following in his wake and trying to imitate his girly walk.

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Hey! Who wants pancakes? Sure Jecht is cooking, but they can't be any worse than Whatever Stew. On your way out you can adopt any one of our adorable baby Aeons for as little as 50gil! 


	4. Chapter 4

Yay, Chapter 4! I hope the end doesn't suck as bad as I think it does.

* * *

Title: Random Bits 13- Chapter 4 

Setting: A serious case of boredom leaves Tidus and his companions longing for a change of scenery. Zanarkand is now a popular tourist attraction, and seems like a good place to get into some long overdue adventures.

**Zanarkand Ruins - **The now Sacred Campsite **- **The reunited Team Braska has tried everything. Returning to the Fayth's Room and wishing for the opposite didn't work, and all the priests had been busy. After stopping for a messy snack, the kids now need a little cleaning, so Jechts takes them all swimming.

As Jecht loosed the kids in the water, Auron reflected that rearranging sacred relics into symbols of Utter Doom was definitely one for his Wall of Stupid Ideas for Venting Frustration. In fact, that idea deserved a gilt frame and at least two spotlights. Various ideas for correcting their predicament had been bounced around, none of them being very practical. Since being a toddler wasn't a Status Effect, killing them, then casting Full-Life wouldn't have worked. Besides, neither Auron nor Jecht had been willing to do the actual killing.

"Don't forget to wash behind your ears." Jecht called as the kids splashed into the water.

"Shouldn't you be out there with them?" Auron inquired as Jecht dropped himself onto a handy rock beside Auron.

"Nah. They'll be fine."  
"What if they get swept out or go into the deeper water?"

"They'll learn to swim real fast. What? That's the way my old man taught me. 'If you don't want to drown, you'll learn to swim .' Nothing like tossing you out into the deep end to get you motivated. I learned in one day!"

Not for the first time Auron looked at Jecht and wondered how he had survived long enough to reproduce. His musings were interrupted by a hacking shout of,

"Hey them yung'uns have the right idea!" Auron and Jecht looked up to see three familiar Old Men shuffling towards them, an ancient and tattered Chocobo behind them.

"We've tried everything, but nothing worked." Auron explained to the three ancients.

"We even went to the temple," Jecht grumbled, "But the priests were all too busy. Something about certain doom or some other gibberish." Auron suddenly found the water profoundly interesting.

"Bah! Priests is no good for this kind of thing." Old Man #3 wheezed. "They're more for blessings or stonings."

"Did you try beating them?" asked Old Man #1. "That's the proper way to raise children. You beats'em in the morning to cover all the things they're going to do, then give them a good thrashing in the evening to make sure they remember not to do it again."

"Um…no." Jecht replied, "I usually use Time-Outs-"

"Time-Outs!?" sputtered Old Man #2 derisively, "That new-age malarkie don't work. What they need is a good spankin'."

This is largely true. Spanking is a wonderful disciplinary tool, when used correctly. Why were children so well behaved, responsible, and respectful back in the day? Because there was a little Consequence called a Spanking. It could cure everything from obnoxiousness to depression and unemployment. If more parents used it today, we wouldn't have kids in gangs and ten year old girls with thongs and diva attitudes.

"What about public humiliation?" interjected Old Man #1, "That's still one of the best." Auron and Jecht looked towards the children, who had stripped down and were running back and forth along the shore.

"I don't think they know the meaning of the words." Auron muttered.

"I still say a good beating will fix'em." grumbled Old Man#1

"Hold on a minute," Jecht said, after a moments thoughtfulness. "If hitting someone who has fuge ( commonly misnamed 'amnesia') on the head will bring their memories back, maybe something similar will work on _them_."

"So," Auron ventured, "Try giving them adult things to do?"

"Yeah! Like make them drink coffee, watch the news, and eat bran muffins." The warrior monk regarded his companion for a moment then said with mock cheerfulness,

"Why don't we go all out, take them to a bar, and let them drink until they pass out."

"You know, that might work!" Jecht exclaimed, the sarcasm lost on him. "Give me your jug."

"What are you doing? You can't give them alcohol!"

The two men wrestled briefly over the jug, to the great distress of their small companions.

"It'll work! It'll work!" Jecht grunted, trying to hold Auron in a head lock and take his sake jug. The Unsent Guardian grunted in reply, strained away from Jecht, then stepped forward and faded through his grip, letting the man's own weight pull him down.

"Unsent!" Yuna shrieked in alarm.

"Now look what you've done!" Auron snarled, as the pint-sized Summoner grabbed her Staff, her Guardians crowding bravely around her.

"If I get Sent, you're on your _own_." he growled, sending Jecht quickly scrambling to his feet.

"It's okay." the former Sin said hurriedly, plucking the staff out of Yuna's hands.

"That's the way Yevon made Uncle Auron. You like Uncle Auron, _just_ the way he is right?" Jecht put just enough inflection in to indicate that the correct answer was 'yes'. After a tense moment, the kinderguardians nodded in agreement.

"Good! Let's get back to the room."

"C'mon, quit cryin'" Jecht groaned, ineffectually patting Tidus' back.

"I want my blantie." the boy whined.

"Look, Wakka and Kimahri didn't cry. They went to sleep like big boys."

It hadn't taken much to get Tidus' companions to sleep this time. All Wakka needed was an extra snack, and Kimahri had been content to curl up on a pillow. The girls had needed little more than a bedtime story and a round of goodnight hugs. Auron had been in charge of the story and made sure to warn them that there was a Fiend-Who-Lives-Under-the-Bed-and-Eats-Children's-Toes to discourage late night wanderings.

Now there was just Tidus. Auron came out of the room with an extra blanket.

"Did you find it?" Jecht asked hopefully.

"No."

"Look in his bag. Hurry!"

Auron darted back into the room and returned with Tidus' bag. A particularly shrill wail prompted him to dump the whole bag on the floor and scrabble among the scattered contents.

"Its not here."

"Look under Key Items." Jecht hissed frantically.

"Nothing."

"Quit cryin' and go to sleep." the man pleaded. He rolled a reproachful eye at Auron, who was snickering into his collar.

"You're not helping."

"I never would have imagined him having a blankie."

Jecht shot him an irritated look and was about to reply when an idea struck him.

"Hey, give him your coat!"

"What? No!" Auron replied in a horrified whisper. "Why don't you give him _your_ pants?"

"No way. I once saw a kid crying abut wanting his 'silky' and you know what it was? A pair of his mother's nylon underwear! I'll be darned if _my_ son has to sleep with any garment that is worn below the waist! Give him the coat."

"_Fine_. But you're washing it in the morning."

Auron reluctantly shrugged off his beloved coat and dropped it on Tidus. The boy sighed, gathered it up, and slipping off the couch, headed to his room. There was ringing silence left in his wake. Jecht flung himself onto the couch in relief.

"He's such a crybaby." Auron said after a moment.

"Yeah, I know."

The two men sat up for another hour thinking up idea. They became more ridiculous as time passed, but seemed to make perfectly logical sense. Some of the worlds best ideas are thought up in the dwindling hours of the night. The problem is that while they make sense to the sleep deprived brain, they consist of thoughts like: The Lungs are designed to circulate oxygen. Water has oxygen. Most people drown underwater, not because they are breathing in water, but because they are holding their breaths. If water has oxygen, then the Lungs should be able pull it out of the water and circulate it. I'll give it a try in my 60gal aquarium. They also work only in theory.

"Okay, what if," Jecht began, "We take them back to the temple and re-enact that moment, only backwards?"

"You know, that might actually work, only we would need three old women and a sack of cats."

"What?"

"What?"

"I think we need to go to bed." Jecht said slowly. "I'll just go check on the kids." Warning bells went off in Auron's head for some reason, but he was to tired to figure out why, as Jecht stumbled off to the kids' room. The Abes star pushed open the door and slipped inside.

Entering a child's room at night is never a good idea. Every child has toys, but this being Spira, very few are soft or age appropriate. (Raise your hand if you got to play with the lawn mower, saw, and dad's tools when you were four. I did!) And like most toys they are left scattered all over the room. They are brightly colored and designed to attract the eye and imagination. In the dark they turn into sinister, sometimes crippling traps, that lurk in the gloom, ready to catch or stab a carelessly placed toe, foot, knee, or shin.

Jecht strode into the room with all the confidence of a person who has forgotten how kids leave their toys, or has never been in charge of dealing with Jr. when he wakes up at night. He stepped with his full weight on an 'I Can Be A Soldier' morning star. He yelped and hopped around in agony until he banged his shin on a wickedly protruding 'My Little Chocobo' stable roof. Awakened by the cry, the children shrieked in horror as a large black shadow howled and lurched between the two beds.

Jecht whimpered and went down with a crash, arms waving, as a wooden Sand wolf on wheels rolled maliciously under his foot and sent him sprawling on a scattering of bloody evil metal Al Bhed jacks. His screams mixed with the frightened kids' as he thrashed amidst an ambush of malevolent toys and furniture. "Fiend! Fiend!" the little Guardians cried, grabbing what weapons they could find.

Jecht suddenly found himself set upon by toddlers with blunt objects, one Summoner, and a Black Mage. His cries for mercy brought Auron bursting into the room with a lamp. The Legendary Guardian shielded his eyes as Yuna's little Aeons and Lulu put their magic to good use, except Valefor, who was perched on Jecht's back pecking his head. Ixion was rearing up and waving his stick legs at Jecht, while Ifrit and Bahamut each savaged one of Jecht's pants legs. The other Aeons made use of their abilities while Lulu cast Flare and the other kids beat him with whatever they had in their hands.

With an inhuman roar, Jecht rocketed to his feet, sending kids and Aeons flying, and screamed with a wild-eyed look,

"**I can't take it anymore! I wish I had **_**never**_** made that stupid wish**!" Auron gaped at him. He was battered, singed, wet, scratched, and had been hit with just about every Status Effect and Elemental attack. Auron calmly put the lamp down on the dresser then doubled over with laughter.

Jecht snarled and flung himself at Auron. The Unsent Guardian pounded the floor with laughter, despite being pummeled by his companion. The hotel suddenly trembled. Auron and Jecht were blinded by a flash of light and the room suddenly became quite small. Confusion reigned as the gods decided that they had suffered enough and everyone returned to their normal ages. This meant that a room designed to hold no more than two adults was suddenly crowded with eight adults and seven full grown Aeons.

A cacophony of thumps, bumps, and bewildered groans, grunts, and yelps, filled the room. There were ominous sounding creaks and groans from the room as the larger Aeons shifted amongst the press of bodies, subsequently drawing panicked cries from the more fragile humans. There was a pounding on the wall and an annoyed voice from the next room shouted, "Hey! Have some decency! This is a _family_ hotel, not a cheap, nightly rate motel!"

End.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed RB 13. FYI, there really was a kid crying for his mother's underwear and I really did toss a friend of mine into the deep end so he would improve his swimming skills. In my defense, he already knew how to swim, but was afraid of the 'deep end'. Those of you who have young siblings or messy rooms, for your parents' sake, please pick up your toys! 


End file.
